Sparrow's Fart

Thirty Two; Kira

2005-02-01T21:17:00.000+10:00

I followed the directions Tex had reluctantly given me and quickly found my way back to the door that led to the cockpit. As I walked it occurred to me there was logic to the layout of Test Eagle, but guessed it would take me a little while longer to get the hang of it.

At the cockpit door I saw Kira, now cleaned up and dressed in the uniform spacesuit all the Freedom Fighters wore. A snug fitting black button up suit. I enjoyed the view for a second, but then i realised that as I was now a member of Freedom Fighters Inc, I might actually be required to wear one as well.

I was torn by this revelation, as a kid I had wanted nothing more than to become an astronaut, my disinterest in spaceships aside, and wearing such a suit would, to the child I had been, be the pinnacle achieve of my life. However, I'm twenty nine years old now, and my body has had time to develop strange lumps and bumps in unusual places. I pictured myself in one of the suits and couldn't image anybody, or more to the point Kira, finding me - beer belly and all - attractive. At least my own clothes did something to disguise my rather lumpish shape.

"Jimmy," said Kira, "There you are."

"I was just," I pointed back the way I had come, thinking desperately to come up with what I would tell her I had just... Inspiration struck, "Bubbles said Bocco was here." Tex, or rather the Tex in the cell downstairs, had made it clear to me that I was not to include Kira in my fact finding mission, he claimed it would put her in danger.

"Yeah, he's this way," Kira frowned. "Where've you been?"

"Just wandering around, trying to get accustomed to the place," I replied casually.

"Did you find anything interesting?" she asked.

I answered quickly, "No! Nothing at all, quite boring really."

"Right," she flashed her white teethed smile at me, she clearly believed me, my status as ship's idiot saw to that. "Well why don't I show you where Bocco is, and then you should get familiar with your duties onboard."

Kira led me back through the ship, along a corridor that ran perpendicular to the one I had just left.

We walked in comfortable silence for a moment. Funy thing about silence, one minute it can be comfortable, the next, well, uncomfortable. I even felt it happen, walking quietly along, very comfortable with the silence. Then it suddenly occurred to me that I should say something, and then the silence felt uncomfortable, and I was reluctant to break it.

"So, Kira is your real name?" I asked, hating the sound of my high pitched, whining Australian accent.

"Yep," she smiled.

"It’s very," I struggled to find a word, and failing settled for, "Original." That is, I added silently to myself, unless you happen to be a character in a sci-fi fantasy story.

We arrived at a door. Kira stopped and asked, "Are you ready for this?"

I nodded, unsure of the question.

"He's nothing like the Bocco you met before."

"How different can a bear be?" I asked.

Thirty One; Jimmy Takes Control

2005-01-31T22:25:00.000+10:00

I dragged my eyes away from Bubbles’s cleavage for fear of leaning too far forward and hitting my head on the window that separated us.

“I’ve got to think,” I said, though not to the imprisoned Freedom Fighters Inc.

I pressed the microphone button again, so they couldn’t hear me. The four prisoners clearly thought I was going for the button that would open the door, and an identical expression of glee crossed each of the four faces, which in itself seemed a little odd.

When they realised I had merely turned off the microphone they all adopted the same angry expression and yelled at me through their still open intercom. “What the hell?” and, “Hey, come on man!” and, “Just open the door, Jimmy!”

I turned my back on them and paced away from their cell. I had to figure this out. I needed to get this right.

I went back to the cell door and hit the microphone button. “Okay,” I said, “Sorry guys, but I’ve gotta figure this out. When I’m sure the guys up stairs are aliens I’ll come and get you out.” They all started to speak at once, so I held my hands up for silence. “I won’t give the game away. The way I see it, if they were going to kill you, they already would have.”

“Don’t be an idiot Jimmy,” said Axel.

“Sorry guys,” I said, “but this is how it’s got to be. Just be give me a little time.” Feeling pumped and ready for action, I turned the microphone off again and went to the ladder.

I’d climbed about five rungs when I stopped.

I returned to the door with a little less bounce in my step than a moment before.

Four sets of sullen eyes stared back at me.

I pressed the microphone button and asked, “Er, guys, how do I get back to the cockpit?”

Chapter Thirty Two

Thirty; Jimmy Holmes

2005-01-30T16:55:00.000+10:00

"What about Kira?" I asked.

"She's in danger too," said Axel who had been quiet until now.

"Open the door," said Bubbles, who fluttered her eyelashes at me.

"How'd this happen?" I asked, my hand going for the button that would open the door but not pressing it.

Four sets of eyes were fixed on me as Tex replied, "They took us by surprise, while we were waiting for Kira to return from her mission. It was over before we even knew what was happening. They stunned us and the next thing you know we're locked up down here."

"Stunned you?"

"Yes," replied Tex, "One of them comes down here once a day to fetch us food."

"Usually the one that looks like me," said Axel.

"Open the door," said Bubbles, fluttering her eyelashes again. I looked back at her and got the impression she'd undone the top button on her space suit, I was sure it had been done up a moment before.

"Why would they do this?" I asked, my finger hovering over the open button.

They gave me a collective shrug.

I still didn't press the button.

"Maybe I should talk to them?" I said, "I'm good with people."

Axel actually laughed, but it was Wrench who said, "Don't be a fool, they'll either kill you or lock you up in here with us."

"They killed Jax," said Tex.

I thought about that for a second, "You said, or rather the other you said, he ripped you off and jumped ship."

"Of course they said that," said Tex, "Do you really think they would have told you they killed him? And then offered you his old job?"

"Hang on," I said, "Kira knew about Jax, and she's been away."

"Just open the door Jimmy," said Bubbles, she had undone the top two buttons of her suit now. If no other reason than to see how far she'd go, I decided to keep the door closed for the moment. She had great...

"That's because," said Tex interrupting my thoughts, "that's what we thought, until we found his body."

I thought about this for a moment and snuck another peek at Bubbles cleavage.

"How do I know they’re not the real yous?"

"What?" they all asked at once.

"And that you’re not just pretending to be them so that I'll let you out?"

They exchanged worried glances.

"They could be the real yous, or rather thems, and you could be impostors pretending to be them." I thought about this for a moment then added, "And even if they’re not the real yous, how do I know that the real yous, which would be you, aren’t criminals or something, and need to be locked up, whether you’re you or they’re you? And even if they’re not you, you are, why should I care?"

"Because," said Bubbles, "eventually, they'll kill you and Kira too."

I looked at her. There was only one button still fastened on her suit, she really did have great...

Chapter Thirty One

Twenty Nine; And Just Who The Hell Are You?

2005-01-29T11:52:00.000+10:00

The siren faded into the background so I stopped running and caught my breath for a moment. If Tex or one of the others came to see what the problem was and found me, I’d do my best Homer Simpson impression and feign ignorance.

After a quick rest I moved on, wondering how I was ever going to find my way out of this labyrinth. The automatic doors whooshing open as I walked past them. I got to the end of a corridor, there was a ladder going up, but not one going down, so some how I had ended up on the lowest level of the ship, I was about to climb the ladder up and try the next floor when I saw the door at the end of the corridor, had light coming through the window panel. All the others had been dark until the doors opened and automatic lights flickered into life.

I wandered across to the door, but it didn’t open like all the others, so I peeked through the door’s window.

The room looked like a cell. There were benches that ran around the room’s outer walls, a water bubbler in the corner and toilet in the opposite corner.

Sitting on the benches were my new crew mates. Tex, Wrench, Axel and Bubbles, only Kira was missing.

They looked up and saw me looking at them.

“What are you guys doing here?” I asked.

Tex got up and walked over to the window, it looked like he pressed a button next to the door, then I heard his voice through a speaker mounted on the panel next to the door.

“What did you say?” he asked me.

“What are you doing here?” I repeated.

“You’ll need to press the button,” he pointed to the panel next to the door.

I pressed the button and repeated, “What are you doing?”

He ignored my question and asked, “Who are you?”

I frowned at him for a moment, the said, “Jimmy, Jimmy Sparrow, your new dish pig.”

“Dish pig?” he asked.

“Cleaner.” I answered, “You just hired me.”

He looked at me for a long moment then said, “You have to help us. The person who hired you, is an impostor. They’re all impostors. You’ve got to get us out of here.”

Wrench, Bubbles and Axel came to stand next to Tex at the window.

“Impostors?”

Bubbles said, “Aliens who have assumed our forms and taken control of the ship.”

"You're in a great deal of danger Jimmy," added Wrench.

Chapter Thirty

Twenty Eight; The Known Universe’s Finest Bourbon

2005-01-28T14:36:00.000+10:00

I tried to find my way back to the cockpit but somehow I just ended up going around in circles.

I was beginning to get an idea of just how big this ship was, though why a six man crew would need such a big ship was a little baffling, but then again maybe they just liked to show off, and remembering the ship's name decided that was definitely it.

Thinking back to the old sci-fi shows I’d seen I decided to try a few things.

“Computer,” I said in my best Jean-Luc accent.

Nothing, no bip-bip, no bing-bong.

I tried it again, this time as Riker, “Computer!”

Data; “Computer.”

I considered doing Janeway, but that particular way of phrasing my thoughts made me think of Seven, and for a good few minutes I forgot completely where I was and what I was doing.

This wasn’t working.

I scratched my head. I checked the walls for info panels, but found nothing. The interior of the ship was nice enough, smooth white walls, sliding doors, but nothing of use to me.

I walked along the corridor, opening each door I passed, by simply standing in front of it as though I intended to go inside. I even tried to trick one door by sneaking up on it, but it knew I was there and opened contemptuously. I took a peek inside each of the rooms the doors led to, and found all sorts of things, mainly stores, food and drink, mechanical and computer equipment that completely baffled me just by looking at it. In one room I found a giant aquarium.

In one room I found a stack of plastic crates that were all labelled. I saw one pile that bore the legend, Jim Beam; The Known Universe’s Finest Bourbon*.

I tried to open the crate, but it was sealed tight and I had no idea how the damn thing was supposed to open. I briefly wondered how the Test Eagle’s crew of freedom fighters came to be in possession of crates and crates of bourbon, but then stopped worrying about it and lifted a crate over my head to break open on the floor.

The crate landed but remained unopened, however a loud siren blared in my ear so I left the room and hurried down the corridor away from the scene of the crime.

Chapter Twenty Nine

*exclusions apply.

Twenty Seven; Random Decisions

2005-01-27T20:22:00.000+10:00

"Yeah he's on the ship, did you think we'd just let him go so he could ruin our plans?"

"Can I see him?" I asked, "The real Bocco, that is?"

Bubbles frowned at me, "What for?"

I shrugged, "I don't know. I've never met a talking bear before." In truth I had no idea why I wanted to see the real Bocco, but in retrospect I think I just wanted to keep myself busy and avoid thinking about my worsening situation.

"You'd best ask Tex," said Bubbles.

"Cool," I got up and went through the door at the back of the cockpit.

The ship interior was huge. As soon as I left the cockpit I was face with four alternative directions, the corridor branched off to the left and right, and a ladder went both up and down.

I remember reading in a Stephen King novel that when people are faced with a random choice, right handed people will always go right, and left handed people left. Been right handed I went left, I’ve never liked the idea of been pre-programmed or predictable, though I guess after been informed right handed people go right, going left would be the predictable thing to do. I stopped after four short steps and went back.

I stood at the intersection for a few minutes trying to figure out which direction I should take. In the end I climbed onto the ladder and descended to the next floor, the book hadn’t said anything about up and down, so I picked down because it was easier than up.

On the next floor I went right.

It didn’t take me long to become completely and utterly lost.

Chapter Twenty Eight

Twenty Six; Getting Old

2005-01-26T20:23:00.000+10:00

I sat at the window watching the changing landscape beneath us. We had left the mountain range and were currently flying over wide green fields and expanse of dark green forest.

The others left the cockpit, only Bubbles remained, which was a good thing considering she was flying the ship. She cranked up the stereo system and a noise I thought would make my ears bleed came out of the sixteen surround sound speakers that were mounted on almost every available surface.

I couldn't understand many of the words, though I'm fairly sure they were in English. The ones I did understand painted some very unpleasant pictures, and I suddenly thought I knew how my old man had felt about the music I had listened to as a kid, and with a shudder, I realised I had just recycled one his favourite, and one of my most hated, phrases.

Make my ears bleed.

What was I? Sixty years old?

Had I crossed that invisible line that seperates the young and the old?

"Shit, I'm only twenty nine years old," I told myself, and started to nod my head to the music, frightened I might suddenly transform into my father and find myself sitting there in tartan slippers smoking a pipe and going on about how much we needed the rain.

Bubbles glanced at me in the rear view mirror when I started to sing along to the words, which was odd, because there really was no need for a rear view mirror in a cockpit with no back windows.

"Do you like this?" Bubbles bellowed over the music and turned it up with a grin.

I winced, and then nodded.

"Why don’t you come and sit here fly boy?" Bubbles indicated the spare seat next to her.

"So, how you doing?" She had turned the music down.

"I've been better," I answered truthfully, then winced again realising that was another one of my father's catchphrases.

"Yeah well," said bubbles, "From what Kira says, you haven't had much luck recently. Been pulled from your own world by a pair of mischievous Zugars," I wasn't sure if that was a joke but I laughed anyway thinking it sounded funny. "Must be a bit of a kick in the arse."

"Yeah," I answered, then wanting to take my mind away from my bad luck I asked, "So how come you've got all this technology and the Leprechauns, haven't?"

Bubbles raised an eyebrow, then said, "Zugars. It isn't nice to call Zugars leprechauns."

"Oh, sorry," I stammered.

"It'd be like them calling us monkeys."

"I see. I didn't know."

Bubble smiled, "No I guess you didn't. Well, the easy answer for that is, they just haven't developed as much as we have," it took me a second to realise she was answering my initial question. "and for whatever reason, they don't seem particularly interested in buying any from us."

"Wow," I said, "That bear suit Kira wore was really something."

"Yeah, we had to model it on the real Bocco."

"The real Bocco?"

"Tex is with him now."

"He's on the ship?"

Chapter Twenty Seven

Twenty Five; Test Eagle

2005-01-25T20:28:00.000+10:00

Tex examined the contents of the pan he'd been stirring then tossed the pan and whatever he'd been burning away from himself in disgust.

"Let's piss off then shall we?" he said in a cavalier manner captain Kirk would have been proud of.

Tex and Kira disappeared inside the ship. I watched Kira go and hoped she usually got around in a bikini but somehow doubted it. The rest of the crew moved about familiar tasks, and I found myself standing idly, wanting to help, but not wanting to get in the way.

Wrench approached me and held out a hand. "She's looker ain't she?"

"Oh yeah," I said and wondered if I'd ever get to spend the night in bed with Kira again, though hopefully without the bear suit.

I turned to Wrench and saw him gazing lovingly at the ship. "Yes sir, there ain't many like this."

"Hmm," I answered this time. Try as I might I have never been one of those blokes to get excited about cars, bikes, or trucks and though I often find myself in social situations with people who I barely know referring to their mode of transport as though it were the love of their life, I've never fingered out how to respond to their vague and ambiguous comments.

"She sure is a beauty," works well in a limited capacity, but as soon as they start talking about cylinders and fuel injections and turbos and whatever else it is car people talk about my eyes glaze over. They usually fail to notice, mesmerized by the love of their life and leave me with the impression the talk is nothing more than erection fuel.

I try not to let them know how incredibly boring they are, but it seems my body is less concerned about placing me in socially awkward situations than it is in listening to rev heads describe crank shafts, mufflers and interiors.

"Test Eagle," said Wrench and for a moment I wondered what he was talking about.

I looked up and saw the words stylised in English lettering on the side of the ship.

"Come on, I'll show you around."

I stood staring at the words, Test Eagle.

"Come on," repeated Wrench.

"It's written in English," I said.

"You understand that do you?" Wrench asked.

"Yes, but, how?"

"Beats me," said Wrench and when I listened to him I realised I was no longer hearing the overlay of a translation. The words were Wrench's own, as he'd spoken them. With the leprechauns I had always heard them and a translation over the top of them. I had always experienced the same problem with Bocco too.

Tex appeared at the door and interrupted my thoughts, "Come on. We're going."

I followed Wrench up the stairs and clambered inside Test Eagle. The steps led into the back of the cockpit. Bubbles was sat at the controls; a wide bank of buttons and levers and knobs and displays. Wrench saw me gaping at the controls and said, "Beautiful stereo systems ain't it?" he grinned happily and announced, "I installed it myself."

When I looked back at Bubbles and the controls I could see the controls she was concerned with took up much less room than the audio equipment.

"Hold on boys," Bubbles laughed and hit a button. I felt the ship move under me. Bubbles gripped a joy stick with both hands and span the craft manoeuvring it through the opening and out into the bright sunlight.

Following everybody else's lead I strapped myself into a harness, and then lent over to look through a window. We were moving at a good speed away from a range of mountain peaks.

I watched silently as we flew away from the only chance I had of getting home.

Chapter Twenty Six

Twenty Four; Freedom Fighters Inc

2005-01-24T20:29:00.000+10:00

After a moment's silence I asked, “What now?”

“What do you mean?” Kira asked.

Wishing to avoid thinking about my fate for a moment I asked, “About the fire crystals, Ziggy and Zain?"

“What about them?” she said with a frown.

“You’re just going to leave all those poor people to their lot?"

“Yep,” Tex answered for her. “Unless somebody pays us to do otherwise. We were paid by the government to get dirt on your boy Zain, and we got it.”

“Much good it’ll do them now,” I said.

“Not our problem,” said Kira, “We’ve already been paid.”

In a voice that sounded far too small and pathetic to my own ears I asked, “And what about me?”

“Yeah, what about him?” the other woman asked.

“Well,” said Kira, “I thought...”

“No way!” said tex and turned back to stirring whatever was bubbling away in the small pan.

“Ah come on,” protested Kira, “He’s perfect.”

An unwanted grin incapacitated my ability to control my facial expression.

Kira saw me and shook her head, “Look at him!” she urged the others, and they did. I felt the grin slide off my face as, Tex, Wrench, Bubbles and the man whose name I was yet to learn turned scornful gazes my way.

“He’s completely hopeless,” continued Kira, and what was left of my grin turned into a frown. “We won’t have the same trouble we had with Jax.”

“Well, that’s true,” said Bubbles.

“Can you cook?” Tex asked me.

Sensing this was a break or make moment I lied, “Oh, yeah,” the gambler in me sensing that was the correct answer.

“What do you say?” Kira asked Tex who seemed to be in charge.

Tex looked at Kira for a long moment then asked, “You’re not going soft on us are you?”

Kira shook her head.

Tex turned to look at me. “Okay, this is how it works. We are Freedom Fighters Inc. We’re a six man crew. I’m the gaffer, Kira is deep cover ops, Bubbles over there,” he indicated the other woman, “Is our pilot. Wrench is the tech, and Axel,” he nodded his head in the direction of the fifth member, “is our weapons specialist.” He paused for a moment then said, “We lost the sixth member of the crew a few days before we took this job so we haven’t had time to replace him. The bastard ripped us off and jumped ship, so we’ve got a spare seat on board if you’re interested.”

I thought about it for a moment, and then asked Kira, “You’re certain I can’t get home?”

“Unless you want to go back in there,” she pointed down the corridor we had just left, “try and find Ziggy and Zain, and persuade them to send you back.”

I took a deep breath and asked, “What do you need me to do? Man Ops?” Wrench raised an eyebrow at me so I pressed on, “Work at tactical?” this time Axel turned a stony gaze on me. I’d seen a few episodes of star trek in my time so I wasn’t concerned; I hazarded another guess, “Engineering? Science station?” I was starting to run out of ideas, “Alientology?”

“No, I need you to cook, make our beds, wash our sheets, clean the heads, polish the silverware and stay out my way as much as possible. Got it?”

I nodded, “Yup.”

Chapter Twenty Five

Twenty Three; Bocco The Babe

2005-01-23T20:51:00.000+10:00

I once worked as one of those guys in a panda suit, you see standing outside crummy suburban stores with small marketing budgets. I worked four hour shifts waving at passing traffic and putting up with the local teenagers taunts. When that suit came off at the end of the shift I reeked. My hair was plastered to my head, and my clothes soaked through with sweat, it was disgusting.

Yet this woman, this vision wearing a skimpy black bikini looked like she had just finished a glamour shoot. Her hair was perfect, and her tight toned skin, glistening with sweat. The curve of her, ahem.

I drew my eyes away.

No, you don’t believe that any more than I do.

I gawked at her as she bundled up the bear suit and carried it over to the cavern where the other humans were gathered. “Close your mouth Jimmy,” she said, “You’re gawking.”

“Did you get the info?” one of the men asked.

“I missed you too, Tex.” She smiled sweetly, “It’s all on the onboard computer. I got the lot.”

Another man asked, “I’ll bet those remote cameras got him didn’t they?”

“Sure did Wrench.”

Tex? Wrench? Kira? I thought to myself. Who named these people?

“How’d you know where to find us?” Wrench asked, “This isn’t the pickup point. When the lights went out and I couldn’t get you on comms, I thought we might have to come in and extract you.”

Kira said, “I found your sign.”

“How’d you know which way to come?” Wrench insisted.

“I asked Jimmy,” she smiled and nodded my way.

“How’d he know?”

“He didn’t, he’s the unluckiest man I’ve ever met, I picked the opposite to what he said.”

“Excuse me,” I said feeling like a complete idiot, “Could somebody tell me what the hell is going on here?”

“Who is he?” the one called Tex asked .

“The bait,” Bocco, no Kira, answered.

“Bait?” the other woman joined them and sat next to the fire, then before Kira answered said, “You didn’t tell him,” and laughed.

“I didn't tell him,” Kira laughed too.

“Hello,” I said in my most petulant voice, “Could somebody tell me now?”

“Sure, Jimmy,” Kira finished stowing the bear suit in a side locker on their space ship and walked over to me. I tried to keep my eyes locked on her face, but it wasn’t easy. “I’m a contractor, we’re contractors,” she indicated her companions.

“Contractors?”

“Yes,” she smiled that dazzling smile again and it occurred to me I had spent the night sleeping next to this woman without ever knowing it.

"Life's so unfair," I said before realising it.

Kira looked at me for an instant then continued, "We were contracted by the Zugar-Zipperat government...”

“Zain?” I interrupted, and one of the men actually sniggered.

“No, the people Zain worked for,” she replied.

“Worked for? Don’t you mean...”

“No,” this time Kira interrupted me, “I mean worked for, as in past tense. We were contracted by the Zugar-Zipperat government to keep an eye on him and see if he was working with Ziggy.”

“Ziggy?” now I laughed, “He hates Ziggy. He was trying to catch Ziggy!” I explained as though she hadn’t been there.

“I’ve got proof for the Zugar-Zipperat government that he was working with him, and that together they stole the fire crystals.”

“Huh?” I was feeling like more and more of an idiot, which made sense because that’s how I usually feel in the presence of beautiful women.

“The whole practical joke thing was just a distraction.”

“Dragging me into their horrid little caves was just a distraction?” I was outraged.

“Yep.”

I thought about this and then asked, “How do I get home?”

Kira had the decency to look abashed before saying, “You don’t.”

Chapter Twenty Four

Twenty Two; Self Decapitation

2005-01-22T14:38:00.000+10:00

We followed the corridor for nearly twenty minutes. Neither of us spoke until we saw light up ahead, and even then i just said, "light," and sprinted past Bocco.

I hadn’t seen daylight, for days, and was eager to feel the touch of the sun. I reached the cave entrance and laughed as sunlight and a gentle breeze hit my face.

“Hold it right there fly boy,” a female voice said and I felt myself been pushed up against the cave wall.

“Hey,” I called out in protest, “What the...”

“Shut up,” she said in a perfectly calm and confident manner. I was face first against the cave wall so couldn’t see my attacker, but I could feel her patting me down.

“Leave him,” I heard Bocco’s voice.

I craned my neck and saw him ambling down the corridor at his usual slow pace.

“Kira!” said an excited male voice.

The woman patting me down left me alone so I turned to see what was happening.

There were four people, all human, stood looking at Bocco. I hadn’t seen them before because I rushed past the cavern where they had been. There was also what looked like a space ship parked in the cavern.

I knew I was gaping but I couldn’t help it. I had thought, no, never mind what I’d thought. What I saw next totally blue me away.

Bocco removed his head!

I felt like I was going to faint.

Bocco used both his hands to twist his head, and then lifted it clear of his neck. I could see air between them.

A bear with pockets is one thing, but a bear with a detachable head?

Bocco placed his head on the ground close to his feet.

I looked at the four humans to see if any of them thought this was the least bit odd, but they were all just watched and smiling happily. One of them even turned away to stir the contents of a pan that had been set over a small gas burner.

Next Bocco reached up and fumbled with his neck. It looked like he was trying to remove something within. I could feel the contents of my stomach heaving.

The head at Bocco’s feet was still moving, the minute movements a bear makes when he’s standing still. The rest of the bear found what it was looking for and unzipped itself. A seam appeared, that stretched from his neck to groin.

I could feel my head spinning and put out a hand to steady myself against the cave wall.

There must have been a seam on the back as well, because Bocco fell apart and the two halves landed on the floor with a thud.

Standing where Bocco had stood a moment before, was one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.

Chapter Twenty Three

Twenty One; Teamwork

2005-01-21T20:29:00.000+10:00

We came to a fork in the corridor, and Bocco stopped.

“What is it?” I asked.

Bocco didn’t say anything, he fumbled around in his pockets, I was quite amazed the only bear I had ever seen with pockets before was Yogi.

He produced a flashlight and turned it on.

“Why didn’t you turn that on before?” I asked, I had stubbed my toe and scraped my shoulders against the cave walls numerous times.

As usually Bocco ignored me.

“Loosey bear!” I muttered. I had a look at the place where I thought his pockets had been and could just make a thin line where his blue fur parted.

Bocco was holding his flashlight up to something on the wall above him.

“What is that?” I asked.

“Sign,” said Bocco.

“A sign for what?”

“Fire crystals.”

“What does it say?” I asked, wondering if all talking bears were this quiet.

“Fire crystals, this way.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Points both ways.”

“Oh,” we stood in silence for a time, neither of us knowing what to do.

“Why don’t we just pick one?” I asked, referring to the two corridors that led away from us.

“Which one?” Bocco asked.

“I dunno,” I shrugged, “How about the left one?”

Bocco was silent for a moment, then ambled towards the right corridor.

“I said left,” I called out even as I followed behind him.

Chapter Twenty Two

Twenty; Descent Into Ridicule

2005-01-20T20:43:00.000+10:00

As we walked through the darkness small candle flames appeared in cave entrances, illuminating worried looking leprechauns.

Unable to remain silent any longer I asked Bocco, “Where are we going?”

“Up,” was all he said and I got a sense he wouldn’t say anything else.

We walked and walked, turned through caves and along caverns and naturally formed corridors, Bocco led the way, never once hesitating to pick a direction.

Suddenly I heard a loud noise that could only be one thing, and felt a shiver run down my spine.

A whoopee cushion!

Bocco and I stopped. The sound was followed by a series of horrified gasps coming from every possible direction, and then a manic chorus of high-pitched giggles.

“What’s happening Bocco?” I asked, as more whoopee cushions went off in a horrific symphony.

“Regression!” he rumbled.

“Why?” I asked.

“Darkness,” he answered and resumed his ambling pace forwards.

“But I thought they were enlightened,” I said, and hurried to catch up with the bear, frightened that at any moment an army of custard pie wielding leprechauns might appear in the darkness to ambush us. “I thought Captain Zee Zee top saved them.”

“Zipper Zoos,” Bocco corrected me. “Enlightenment; hard in darkness.”

All around us there was a cacophony of insane giggles, farting noises, the splat of custard pies being thrown, and a thousand other ridiculous sounds. The further we went the more we heard.

Along one corridor I slipped on a banana skin and landed heavily to the sound of giggling and retreating footsteps running away into the darkness.

Further along the same corridor a female leprechaun ran up to us screeching for help, “They’re after me! Help!” she wailed.

She ran past Bocco to me.

It was getting a little bit lighter in the caves now, or maybe my night vision was kicking in, and I saw Bocco look at her once and keep walking.

“It’s okay,” I said, “Who’s after you?”

“Them!” She pointed frantically in the direction we were walking.

I looked but could only see Bocco ambling slowly up the slope of the corridor, as I turned back to face her, what little I could see disappeared. Something struck me in the face and the female leprechaun giggled and ran away.

I wiped the custard from my face and swore.

“You could have told me!” I complained to Bocco when I caught up to him.

Bocco didn’t say anything.

“You knew didn't you?” I knew he knew.

Bocco still didn’t say anything.

Chapter Twenty One

Nineteen; Mobile Phone Coverage

2005-01-19T17:44:00.000+10:00

We waited, but nothing happened.

The cave walls had stopped glowing, we were in complete and utter darkness.

Eventually Bocco spoke, “Zain?”

There was no answer.

“Zain?” he repeated.

“What’s going on?” I asked, but nobody answered me.

In the darkness I felt something tickle my ear and jumped in surprise. I flailed my arms in the direction of the tickle, thinking it was Ziggy creeping up on me, and trying to keep the creepy little freak away from me.

Something grabbed one of my hands, and pulled me off balance, so it couldn’t have been Ziggy. I yelled out in surprise, but something covered my mouth cutting the sound off.

“What was that?” demanded one of the homeland security officers.

Bocco whispered next to my ear, “Shush.” I felt his whiskers tickle my ear again.

I thought for a moment then decided to trust the giant talking bear.

“I tripped on something,” I called into the darkness to explain my outburst.

“It didn’t sound like you tripped,” came the reply.

I laughed nervously, “Well, you know us aliens, or rather you don’t, know us that is...” I told you I speak nonsense when I’m nervous, anyway to stop me from giving the game away Bocco put his hand back over my mouth.

“Yeah, right,” came the uncertain reply from the darkness.

Bocco led me through the darkness, I wasn’t sure where we were going or why, but as I said I had decided to trust him. Miraculously we didn’t walk into anything and made it outside our little cave.

Close to the entrance I could see the blue light of three mobile phones glowing in the darkness, the power failure had stopped the excited chatter momentarily, but as we left it was starting up again.

Bocco led me a short distance away before speaking again.

“Zain,” he said as though that explained something.

“Zain?” I asked, and then before he answered me, “What happened to Zain?”

“With Ziggy.”

“With Ziggy?” I asked and realised I had a tendency to repeat people back to themselves when I was confused. It also occurred to me this would be annoying to them, but a useful device for me to reach my daily word count.

“Yes,” said Bocco.

And, “Yes,” I repeated back to him, “Do you think Ziggy kidnapped him?” I was an only child, but knew sibling rivalry could be a bitch.

Bocco didn’t answer.

Keeping a firm grip on my wrist he led me through the darkness.

I wanted to ask him questions, like where were we going, and why? Why had we left the house and all those homeland security officers? And lastly, and most importantly, how come three Japanese exchange students could get mobile phone coverage in Zugar-Zipperat? Were the teleco’s now offering off-world coverage in a bid for market dominance?

I knew Bocco wouldn’t tell me, so I followed along quietly hoping he wouldn’t walk me into a cave wall by mistake.

Chapter Twenty

Eighteen; The Sting

2005-01-18T20:52:00.000+10:00

Zain made our small home the centre of operations. He explained it was the place Ziggy would most likely try to hit us.

The small cave was overrun with Zugar-Zipperat homeland security officers, I expected them to be very serious and have severe down to business personalities, but for the most part they just sat around and played cards and eating the Zugar-Zipperat equivalent of hot dogs and donnuts One or two of them did look very busy, but I got the impression they were shooting for promotion. One of them, a petite female with big green eyes and a neatly trimmed beard fluttered her eyelashes at Zain every time she walked passed him.

The hours passed slowly, the passage of time marked only by the differing brightness of the cave walls, when I asked Zain about the walls he suddenly became suspicious and asked me why I wanted to know.

“Just passing the time,” I replied.

Sounding sceptical he answered, “They are powered by the fire crystals.”

“Fire crystals?” the name sounded familiar to me, “Oh, Bocco thought I was here for them when you locked me up with him.”

“We have to be careful,” Zain looked around the room and continued, “The fire crystals are our most precious resource. Without them we’d be plunged into perpetual darkness.”

“How do they work?” I asked.

“You’re asking an awful lot of questions,” complained Zain. He plucked at his lapel and I noticed the edges of the left lapel were frayed.

“Do you have somewhere else you need to be?” I asked, puzzled by Zain's attitude.

He muttered something about aliens, but said, “The fire crystals are kept in a secure chamber. They capture the sun’s light through an opening in the cave roof, and magnify it, then send it deep into the heart of Zugar-Zipperat, from where it is absorbed and dispersed as light through the rock.”

“Dispersed through rock?” I wasn’t convinced. “Hang on,” I said just thinking of another question, “If you’re cave dwellers, why do you need light, shouldn’t you have developed sharper eye sight? Like Gollum?”

“Gollum?” Zain asked.

“A movie star,” I dismissed the question.

Zain snorted. “We weren’t always cave dwellers,” he snapped and stalked away.

The hours continued to tick slowly by. As 5 O’clock got closer the tension in the room became palpable, homeland security officers began mimicking their boss, pacing worried tracks back and forth across the cave.

Bocco announced when the moment was actually upon us, “Now!”

Nothing happened for long seconds.

Everybody froze, and stood staring at each other, I noticed Zain edging towards the cave entrance, and then, the lights went out.

Chapter Nineteen

Seventeen; The Note

2005-01-17T20:27:00.000+10:00

Well that answered one question.

They have developed gunpowder on Zugar-Zipperat.

Shocked and stunned I watched as Ziggy giggled his way out through the entrance. There was a maniacal quality about Ziggy Zorinski that was terrifying. He wasn’t physically intimidating, it had more to do with the wrongness of him.

Bocco entered the living a moment later and asked, “Ziggy?”

I nodded.

Bocco ambled over to the middle of the living room space and picked up a sheet of paper that I hadn’t noticed.

Taking a deep breath I looked around the room. The exchange students were still talking excitedly on their mobile phones, though I think the explosion, small as it was, had interrupted their chatter for a second or two. They saw me looking over at them now and all smiled and waved.

Bocco held the sheet of paper out to me. I looked at it but couldn’t understand the scrawls on the page. I shrugged so Bocco read it to me;

Tomorrow at 5 O’clock, prepare!

Zain entered through the front door and demanded, “What happened?”

I told him, and he paced around the room angrily.

”This is so like him,” Zain fumed, “when we were children he would play his silly pranks on everybody and blame me.”

Something occurred to me so I asked, “How did he get past the guards on the entrance?”

Bocco looked up with interest.

Zain shifted uncomfortably. He wiped some dust from his shoulder and said, “I’m not sure, maybe they were asleep.”

“Asleep?” Bocco rumbled.

I slapped my forehead realising how silly my question had been, “They probably thought he was you.”

“Yes, of course,” said Zain still rubbing dust from the lapel of his shirt. Zain’s natural authority returned to his voice as he continued, “Okay, we’ve got until 5 tomorrow to figure out what he’s up to. I’ll pull extra troops in for this, we’ll need to be prepared for it, whatever it is. For now, get some rest and I’ll see you in the morning.” Zain strode purposefully from the room.

“Odd,” said Bocco in his usual understated manner, I was about to ask him what he meant when he asked, “Bed?”

Chapter Eighteen

Sixteen; Ziggy Pays a Visit

2005-01-16T22:00:00.000+10:00

I sat in the living room for hours.

I waved hello to the Japanese exchange students who had set up their sleeping bags in a corner and were all talking excitedly on their mobile phones, to each other I think, but I wasn't sure.

My mind's wandering inevitably followed the familiar path of why, how, and huh? I didn't come up with an answers, though I think I finally understood how all those abductees feel. Even if they weren't kidnapped by aliens, they obviously believed they were, but nobody else did. The only reason I have always known things like this don’t happen is because I'd never heard of a credible person saying it happened to them. Did that make me incredible - or is it un-credible? – or insane? I wasn't sure, and as they always say crazy people don't know they're crazy, I knew I would probably never know.

Strangely this circular thinking gave me some peace, if this was a delusion, there was nothing I could do about it, so I might as well behave like everything was, not normal, but, real.

I must have nodded off sitting against the cave wall, because suddenly there was a figure looming over me. I couldn't make out who it was, the cave walls get dimmer at night, though it was clearly a leprechaun. I had slid down against the wall as I dozed and was practically lying on the floor.

"Ah, there you are," I heard a familiar voice.

"Zain?" I asked.

"Yes, of course who else would it be?"

I didn't answer.

"We've examined some of those boxes you sent over, they are clearly from Ziggy, but we haven't been able to learn anything from them yet, so you'll have to keep this up for a bit longer."

"Okay," I said and rubbed my tired eyes.

"Here, have one of these," Zain handed my a cylindrical object, I took it wondering what it was when he struck a match and lit a cigar of his own. As he sucked to get the cigar burning evenly, his face was illuminated by the small flame and I saw a familiar twinkle in his eyes. The resemblance to Ziggy was uncanny.

I was about to say something when he exhaled a large cloud of smoke and struck another match and held it out to me.

I got my cigar going and we smoked quietly for a moment. I was enjoying the taste and settling into the quiet undisturbed moment when there was an almighty boom.

It scared me half to death. I didn't know what was happening, my heart beat hard and fast in my chest. It had felt like the noise had happened right in my face. With my hands shaking I held up my cigar and saw it looked like one of those exploding cigars you see in old bugs bunny cartoons, with separate strands forming the spokes of a wheel.

The smoke cleared and I saw Zain standing in the entrance to the cave, he giggled insanely then said in a voice that made my skin cold, "Help me."

It was Ziggy!

Chapter Seventeen

Fifteen; Extra Anchovies

2005-01-15T14:29:00.000+10:00

Ziggy didn't show up in person that day, but his presence was felt, mostly by me.

Bocco and I continued to open presents all day, though I was the only one to be stung by Ziggy's practical jokes. I have no idea how Bocco managed it, but we would take a box each from the hundreds that had been delivered, Bocco would open his to find a picture frame or set of scented candles, and I would either get sprayed, have a spring loaded custard pie thrown in my face or have to deal with a noxious smell.

Christmas will never be the same again.

In addition to the presents we also had a few visitors, the usual school boy pranks. The armed forces recruiting officers turned up in answer to my application, and even when I insisted I wasn't interested they continued to tell me they were an equal opportunities employer and to ignore any of those stories I had heard about the good old days. Eventually we got rid of them.

Then came the police who'd heard reports of domestic violence. I was incredulous that they didn't know who we were, but Bocco explained succinctly, "Hush hush." Anyway after about fifteen minutes of the officers making snide remarks and throwing threatening glances my way, they finally left, though not before telling Bocco that there was lot of support for people in his situation, and that it wasn't his fault, and if anything, anything, were to happen, he should give them a call.

Next came a troop of leprechaun exotic dancers – who were all either studying law or sociology and just stripped in their spare time to pay their college fees - who had been hired for a non-existent bachelor party, and although I was intrigued I sent them away, though if it hadn't been for the beards I might have let them stay.

A mail order bride turned up, the fire service, a masseur, a couple of call girls, three Japanese exchange students who couldn't speak English or Zugar-Zipperat. I finally thought we'd had a break when a party sub arrived, I said I'd eat it, but then I realised the bastard had ordered anchovies.

Exhausted I finally called it a day and turned in. The only good thing about this delusion was the bed, it was like a football pitch, it was huge, I fell onto it and slept.

I was dreaming about Penny the dog I'd had as a kid when I woke up and realised the bristles I could feel tickling my cheek were Bocco's, not Penny's. Thinking he was taking our disguise a little too far I got up and wandered out into the living room cave.

Chapter Sixteen

Fourteen; Love Nest

2005-01-14T13:22:00.000+10:00

I spent that first night at the police station cave.

Surprisingly I slept without any trouble at all. There was a chamber with lots of little beds, it was probably some sort of bunkhouse, I pushed them altogether and slept like a baby. That is to say, soundly, not that I woke up screaming for food or a nappy change every two hours.

The next morning Zain informed me they had found a suitable home for me and Bocco. A small cavern near the police station. We were whisked around there and left to sort the place out. Zain left two of his men guarding the cavern entrance, not because of Ziggy, but the looky-loos he expected would turn up to check out the alien.

I looked around our new abode, and, well, it was a cave. There's not a lot of great things I can say about a cave, it had a flat floor, perfectly flat which struck me as a little odd, but then I figured if I was actually going bonkers and had created this whole scenario, then of course I would make all the caves and caverns have flat floors. After all, there was no point making my slide into insanity any more difficult than it needed to be.

Just like the Flintstones our cave was bereft of a bathroom. I thought about asking Bocco where I was supposed to relieve myself, but it wasn't a problem just yet so I decided to wait until absolutely necessary, perhaps I'd wake up in the loony bin before it became an issue.

The morning paper turned up after we'd been there for about an hour. There was a big picture of me and Bocco framed by a love heart on the front page, I couldn't read the headline, and didn't ask, I could imagine what it said.

It was about an hour later that the first of the gifts started turning up. Bocco assured me that this was perfectly normal, the people of Zugar-Zipperat were a very welcoming sort who often liked to give welcome gifts to new neighbours.

I thought back to the welcome I had received the day before when I first appeared in Zugar-Zipperat, and tried to remember how long it was since I'd had a tetanus shot, and if those halberds had been clean.

Bocco also informed me that we would have to open every present to search for clues that would lead us to Ziggy. He said Ziggy was bound to send some practical joke gifts, and so we started to open the presents.

The very first box I opened proved him right, as soon as I lifted the lid I was squirted with water. Bocco carefully replaced the lid and put the box aside to be examined as evidence later. Then he handed me another box.

I opened the box, a cloud of flour exploded in my face, and because I was still wet from the last box, it stuck to me.

It was going to be a long day.

Chapter Fifteen

Thirteen; Zugar-Zipperat's Newest Celebrity Couple

2005-01-13T19:01:00.000+10:00

The announcement was made.

I was staying.

We got full media coverage, the leprechaun press - or should I say the Zugar-Zipperat press, as nobody had either confirmed or denied the people of Zugar-Zipperat were in fact leprechauns – were extremely eager to feature my story in their respective publications.

Zain had a couple of his people make phone calls to various news and entertainment outlets. He instructed them to make the calls as though they were leaking information.

The first call came through almost straight away.

Apparently I was big news. An alien, as they called me, hadn't crossed over for two decades.

Zain took the call, and while he spoke I pondered the probability of a society developing the telephone before firearms. When I had been arrested the soldiers had been armed with halberds, I was almost certain firepower was developed before long distance communication devices on earth, but had no way of being sure as I had spent most of my school history lessons trying to steel a peek at Mrs Lewisham's long legs as she scribbled on the blackboard. It occurred to me that a nation of practical jokers would find the telephone extremely useful, but then surely gunpowder was good for pranks too.

I didn't have long to ponder the matter as within seconds Zain held the phone out to me, "They'd like to talk to you."

"Okay," I shrugged and took the phone expecting the reporter to ask me questions about life on earth. "Hello," I said into the receiver.

"Jimmy, Jimmy Sparrow?" a high pitched female voice asked.

"Yes."

"Hi, this is Zoot magazine, I'd like to ask you a few questions on behalf of our readers, if I may."

"Certainly," I replied.

"Where did you and Bocco first meet?"

I paused for a second not entirely sure if I had heard correctly.

"Jimmy?"

"Erm, in a cell," I answered.

"And was it love at first sight?"

A little bemused but understanding the need to play along I answered, "Yeah, sure."

"What first attracted you to Bocco?" the female reporter continued.

I looked at Zain for help, but he couldn't hear the questions and so was of no use, "His blue coat."

"Is there a Mrs Sparrow back on, er, where ever it is you came from?"

"Who is this?" I asked.

Zain snatched the phone from me and quickly said, "I'm sorry but Mr Sparrow is very busy today, and I'm afraid we've already taken up too much of his time, good day," he place the phone back on the cradle.

"What the..." I didn't get to finish my question as Zain interrupted, "News is entertainment these days, reporters are always looking for the emotional angle. It isn't enough just to report the news, they have to make their readers feel for the people they are writing about."

"Okay," I said.

The calls kept coming all that afternoon, I did phone interview after phone interview. Every reporter I spoke to was only interested in Bocco and I, not a single one of them asked me a question about where I was from, or how I expected to adapt to life in Zugar-Zipperat.

After about a hundred calls boredom was really starting to get to me and so I made a reference to one of the reporters about Bocco's big blue balls. Zain snatched the phone from me and refused to take any more calls.

Chapter Fourteen

Twelve; Zain's Plan

2005-01-12T18:51:00.000+10:00

There was something about Zain's smile that made me uncomfortable, "What do you mean an opportunity?"

"I have a plan," said Zain. "We make a public announcement that you've been pulled into our dimension, and can't get back, and so have decided to make a home for yourself here in Zugar-Zipperat."

"I'm with you so far."

"We find a cave that's easy for us to monitor, you and Bocco move in, and we wait for the inevitable pranks to start."

I thought about this for a moment, but didn't say anything.

"You'll make the perfect target for Ziggy," explained Zain, "I guess that's why he brought you through."

I still didn't say anything for a moment, then asked, "Me and Bocco?"

"Yes," Zain nodded.

"Won't Ziggy recognise Bocco?" I asked, "He kinda stands out you know."

"Not at all, Bocco has just been transferred here from Zippit-Zilch province."

"Why do I need Bocco to move in with me?" I asked.

"To help catch Ziggy," said Zain as though it were perfectly obvious.

"Well won't it seem a bit strange?" I persisted.

"What?"

I walked across the cell, Zain followed me, I couldn't be certain Bocco wouldn't hear me, but I couldn't move any further away because of the cell bars. "Me and Bocco, living together. A human and a bear."

Zain continued to look blankly at me, then his expression changed to one of disgust, "So you're opposed to alternative lifestyles?"

"No, not at all," I said defensively. "It's just that, well he's a bit different isn't he?" I nodded my head in Bocco's direction hoping Zain would understand.

"Oh I see," he said raising his voice, "So not only are you homophobic, you're also xenophobic! You're probably a heightist as well!"

I saw Bocco look our way and made gestures for Zain to lower his voice. "No, I just thought it might seem a little odd."

"Only to you," Zain raised a finger at me, his voice got squeakier the angrier he got. "Civilised people respect each other's choices, and accept their peers for who they are on the inside. Maybe where you come from this sort of behaviour is acceptable, but here in Zugar-Zipperat we have laws against that sort of prejudice."

"I didn't mean that," I couldn’t believe I was being berated by a leprechaun who thought I was being all kinds of phobic because I had reservations about moving in with a seven foot talking blue bear.

"Well what did you mean?" Zain squeaked at me.

I struggled to find the right words, but couldn't so I settled for, "Great plan."

Chapter Thirteen

Eleven; Mischief Makers

2005-01-11T18:47:00.000+10:00

"Yes, a joke," Zain Zorinski shuffled his feet and looked nervous. Bocco went and sat back down on the bench and continued staring silently into space. "It's not something we like to talk about very often. You see we haven't always been the highly sophisticated people you see before you."

I looked at the leprechaun and the giant blue bear, and then at the cave cell we were in and decided not to say anything.

"Once, long ago, our people lived in chaos. We were pranksters of the worst kind, we caused all sorts of misery and discontent in the world." Zain's brow knitted as he continued, "And not just in Zugar-Zipperat, we were every where, causing mayhem. We loved it, the bigger the prank, the more inconvenient the inconvenience the greater our delight. It's what we lived for, even as it was destroying us."

"What happened," I asked, interested despite myself.

"We were on the brink of extinction, we'd practical joked ourselves into oblivion and were almost at the point of no return."

"Practical joked yourself into oblivion?" I couldn't keep the scepticism from my voice.

"Oh yes," said Zain. "A society can't survive like that. People were too busy playing practical jokes on each other to think about the important things in life. People didn't go to work, most of them didn’t even have jobs. Nobody paid their taxes, nothing got done, it was utter chaos."

"I see," I said.

Zain looked at me for a moment before continuing, clearly doubting that I understood, "A great leader emerged in that time of chaos, Zipper Zoos, who taught us to tame our inner beast. He showed us the way to enlightenment, and taught us that we only hurt ourselves with our childish practical jokes."

"Zipper Zoos?"

Zain ignored me, "Now only the very young play practical jokes. By taming our inner demons we have achieved many things, built a vast civilisation..."

"Let me guess," I said, "The problem is, not all of you folk are enlightened, and I'm on the brunt end of one of these practical jokers practical jokes?"

"Yes," Zain seemed relieved he wouldn't have to explain that, "Ziggy Zorinski, was released from rehab a month ago, we thought he was doing well, he seemed to be..."

"Zorinski," I asked, "isn't that your name?"

"Yes, Ziggy is my brother."

I nodded, "Well here's an idea, how about you send Ziggy to bed with no supper, and send me home?"

"That won't be possible," said Zain, "I'm afraid you're stuck here."

"Stuck here?" I was suddenly feeling very light headed.

"Yes," Zain nodded seriously, "At least until we can catch Ziggy, he's the only one that can send you home."

"You're joking?" I asked.

Zain looked sternly at me then said, "No, I would never do that."

"Oh, yeah, right," I said, "enlightenment."

"Catch Ziggy," rumbled Bocco from his spot on the bench.

"How do we do that?" I asked.

Zain smiled, "You're going to provide him with an opportunity he won't be able to resist."

Chapter Twelve

Ten; Special Agent Bocco

2005-01-10T17:31:00.000+10:00

With Bocco towering over me, I spilled my guts.

I have no idea why I told him the things I told him. He didn’t ask and I had no reason to assume he cared, but faced with a seven foot talking blue bear I couldn't think of anything else to do.

"I heard somebody calling for help from a storeroom. I wouldn’t even have been anywhere near the storeroom, except I had a dream about the door the night before. Which was really strange, because I had never even see the door before," I took a deep breath, "and I went inside because somebody had called for help, and I wanted to help them, but also because I thought I was going mad and wanted to check. I got inside and heard somebody laughing at me, and then I fell over and suddenly I was inside a cave, and a leprechaun was laughing at me, and then the leprechaun ran away, and then..."

"Silence," said Bocco.

"And, and," I couldn't seem to stop talking.

"Silence," Bocco's voice rose to a rumble.

He ambled over to the bars of our cell and boomed, "Done."

I sat on the bench panting. I was definitely losing my mind.

Bocco stood at the bars for a moment longer, then Old Red returned and unlocked the cell. He stepped inside and addressed Bocco, "Well."

"Ziggy," said Bocco, and for a moment I thought the wine gum magic had worn off. I was on the verge of becoming a gibbering wreck when Old Red said, "I thought so. Ziggy is up to his old tricks again. Well done Bocco." The top of Old Red's head only reached Bocco's knee. It was quite an odd sight, seeing the tiny leprechaun praise the giant bear.

"What is going on here," I eventually managed to articulate the appropriate words.

"Ah, Jimmy," Old Red walked over to me, and Bocco ambled along behind him, "this is special agent Bocco."

"Special agent?" I looked up at the big blue bear.

"Yes, he's one of our interrogation experts."

"Interrogation expert?" that didn't seem right, "but he hardly says anything."

"Well, that's just part of his technique," Old Red explained. "Anyway, I must apologise for any discomfort we may have caused you, but we find Bocco tends to get the answers we need quickly."

"Hang on a minute," I said, "he told me he just appeared here too."

"Yes, that's another technique of his," said Old Red. "Now, down to business. My name is Zain Zorinski, I'm..."

"You people use a lot of Z's, don't you?"

"What? Don’t be ridiculous," snapped Old Red, who I was now going to have to get used to calling Zain Zorinski. "I'm in charge of homeland security, and it would appear you have been the victim of a practical joke."

"A joke?"

Chapter Eleven

Nine; Bocco The Big Blue Bear

2005-01-09T13:26:00.000+10:00

Old Red unlocked the door and I was pushed inside. I wasn't sure what scared me most, being stabbed to death by angry leprechauns or the giant blue bear they were trying to lock me up with.

Eventually they got me inside. It didn't take long really, one quick sharp lunge and I was pretty much inside. I heard them lock the door, but I just stood there staring at the bear, and it just sat quietly staring into space.

I'm not sure how much time passed before I moved, but when I did it was very slowly. I still wasn't sure if the bear had actually seen me, perhaps it had been tranquilised. Anyway, I eventually made my way over to the opposite end of the bench and sat down.

The bear turned his eyes on me.

I froze.

It looked at me for long seconds then simply turned away to stare into space again.

It almost had to be tranqed.

Silence.

I sat there for a while, wondering if any of this was actually happening, or if I was just losing my mind, but eventually I tired of trying to figure it out so I spoke to the bear.

"What are you in for?" I've seen far too many movies where people speak like this.

The bear slowly turned its massive blue head towards me, it stared at me for a moment and it occurred to me that perhaps this bear couldn't speak, but then it said, "Dunno."

"Dunno," I repeated dumbly. "Me either."

I waited a moment to see if the bear would say anything else, but it didn't.

"I don’t even know where I am. I just appeared here."

"Me too," said the bear.

Encourage I continued, "Where is here anyway?"

"Dunno."

"Have they told you anything?"

"No."

"You don't say much do you?" I asked the bear and then realised a second too late that I might offend it.

It looked at me again, "No."

"No, well," I continued quickly, "My name is Jimmy Sparrow."

"Bocco," said the bear.

"Bocco," I nodded, "Nice to meet you Bocco."

Bocco didn’t say anything.

"So, where are you from Bocco?"

"Somewhere else."

I was beginning to detect a little reluctance on the part of Bocco the bear to enter into conversation, but if I'm honest, when I get nervous I like to talk, and I was very nervous.

"Are you here for the crystals?"

I was so surprise to hear Bocco speak in a sentence comprised of more than two words it took me a full minute to answer. "The crystals?"

Bocco stared at me. "The fire crystals?"

I shook my head, "No, but there's bound to be a pot of gold around here somewhere, what with all these leprechauns."

Bocco continued to stare at me.

Getting nervous I asked, "Are you here for the crystals?"

"No," said Bocco. He got up from his bench and ambled towards me.

Suddenly I was very scared.

Chapter Ten

Eight; A Trip To The Cells

2005-01-08T15:15:00.000+10:00

"Hey, come on fellas," I held my hands up to protest my innocence, "Surely there has been a mistake, you can't just lock me up."

"Shut it," said one of the soldiers. He then circled around me and jabbed at my backside with his halberd.

"Steady," I yelled even as I was jumping forward. "Vindictive bastard."

With no other alternative I marched obediently along in the direction I was herded. Old Red was up ahead leading the way, while the soldiers circled me, still with their halberds levelled at my chest, and backside.

"Where are you taking me?" I called to Old Red, and received another jab in the bum. "Ouch!" I looked at the vicious leprechaun responsible, he just scowled back at me, "What have I done?" He jabbed me again, so I shut up.

They led me along a twisting path of narrow corridors and wide open caverns. We passed more leprechauns on the way. Most stopped to stare at me in open mouthed astonishment. A couple of them approached Old Red, but he sent them scurrying away with a quick stern look.

It seemed to me that there was an entire settlement in these caves, wherever these caves were. They looked to have been formed naturally, but then I'm no expert. We seemed to be sticking to the main thoroughfares, but there were many smaller caverns and passageways that led off from the ones we followed. The walls of the caves all glowed and were covered in that thin layer of ice I had noticed when I first appeared.

After a few minutes of walking, and being continually stabbed in the behind, we arrived at our destination. We turned down one of the lager corridors that led off from the larger cavern we were passing through. The cavern they led me into instantly remained me of one of those busy American police stations you see in the movies. There was a long counter that ran across the cavern just passed the entrance. Behind the counter leprechaun policemen were yelling, others were holding their suspects by the elbows and checking their possessions into small wooden boxes. The rest of the cavern was taken up with chairs and desks. I looked around and saw a couple of people asleep at their desks.

I was herded across to the counter. Old Red spoke in a soft voice to the leprechaun manning the desk. The cop leprechaun looked at me.

"Who sent you?" he snapped, I almost expected him to have a Bronx accent.

"Nobody," I was about to say more but he spoke right over the top of me.

"Why have you come here?"

"It was an accident, I..."

"An accident eh? We get lots of those here." He scowled across the counter at me then turned to Old Red and said, "Put him in a cell until he feels like talking."

"No wait, I..." I was jabbed in the backside again and herded towards the back of the cavern. There were several cells carved into the rear wall of the cavern. We passed a couple before Old Red settled on one.

Sitting on a bench in the cell was a big blue bear.

Chapter Nine

Seven; Wine Gums Make It All Clear

2005-01-07T15:46:00.000+10:00

"Do you understand?" asked Old Red.

"Yes, I do," I said, not quite understanding what was happening.

"Good," Old Red rubbed his hands together and smiled, "We were worried the formula might not work. Are you getting all of this?"

"Yes," I nodded, "But I don't understand what you're talking about."

"Never mind that," said Old Red. "The how isn't as important as the why."

I looked at him blankly.

"That's translator magic," he nodded at me, and it took me a moment to realise he meant the wine gum I had just consumed, "It enables you to understand us, and us to understand you. Very clever stuff. Of course it has been years since we've had a subject to test it on. The people of Zugar-Zipperat all speak Zippacka, so we couldn't very well test it on them could we?" He shook his head in answer to his own question, "Of course not, we all already understand each don't we. Even the outer tribes," he added in a lower voice, "though only barely."

One of the guards coughed.

"Yes, quite right," said Old Red.

I continued to look at him blankly.

"One of our biggest fears was the next time somebody came through we wouldn't be able to understand them. Wouldn't know if they were friend or foe, you see. The last one to come through was kept under constant guard while it learnt Zippacka. Took it nearly three years as well. And then in the end it turned out it wasn't even supposed to be here."

I had to fight an urge to look at my wrist watch.

"Of course you won't need to learn the language will you?"

"Ah, no," I said, "I guess not." I stole a quick look at my watch after all, "Look it has been great meeting you guys, I've had heaps of fun, we really must do this again some time, but for now if you could just show me the way home, I'll be on my way. Homer is probably sitting on my doorstep waiting for me." I didn't feel bad lying about having a doorstep, I'd already lied about having a dog called Homer so I figured it didn't matter what I said, as long as they sent me home.

"Unfortunately we won't be able to do that," Old Red looked a little abashed.

"Why not?" I asked frantically.

"Well," he continued and forced a happy smile onto his face, "because you're under arrest. Guards seize that," he frowned for a second then said, "Seize that whatever it is."

Chapter Eight

Six; The Short Arm Of The Local Constabulary

2005-01-06T18:08:00.000+10:00

The blue flashing stopped, and the siren was suddenly quiet.

"Hey fella's, how the hell are ya?" I backed away as the leprechaun soldiers closed in on me with their weapons pointed up at my chest. "Have you seen a border collie? I lost my dog and, well, you know how things are," I knew I was blabbing, but with half a dozen murderous leprechauns pointing halberds at me I wasn't sure what else I could do. "His name is Homer, I'm sure he came this way, but I can't seem..."

Another figure entered the cavern, the soldiers were all wearing blue, but this one was dressed in red.

"Zippacka!" he snapped at me in a squeaky leprechaun voice.

"Zippacka! Zootang! Zipp Zipp Zoorool!" He looked pissed off.

I shrugged, "Sorry, my Klingon isn't what it should be. Have you seen my dog?" In the absence of a real plan I decided to stick to the only one I had. "Homer."

It was clear these angry leprechauns, if in fact that was what they were, didn't want me there any more than I wanted to be there.

Zippacka snorted and walked towards me. He shoved one of the soldiers out of the way and said, "Zippacka!"

"Homer." Despite what you might think of me, I have travelled a little bit, and the one thing I've learnt about communicating in foreign languages with people you don't really want to talk to is to keep repeating yourself. Eventually they'll get bored of trying and leave you alone. "My dog is called Homer, and I want to get the hell out of here."

The head leprechaun was fishing around in his pocket for something while all the angry soldier leprechauns kept their beady eyes on me.

Old Red pulled something out of his pocket and thrust it towards me. I shrank back involuntarily, the coward in me taking over. When I wasn't laser beamed, I straightened myself out and took the object.

I noticed a couple of the soldiers trying not to snigger at my reaction but I decided to let it pass, just this once.

I looked down at the object I was now holding. It looked like a wine gum.

Old Red looked at me expectantly.

"Have you seen my dog?" I spoke slowly and loudly on the off chance that somebody who had never spoken English might actually understand me.

Old Red gestured for me to eat the wine gum.

I looked at it. One of the soldiers, obviously getting bored with the proceedings, prodded his halberd towards me.

"If this thing is drugged you're in a lot of trouble buddy," I waved the wine gum at Old Red and then popped it in my mouth.

It tasted okay, so I chewed it up and swallowed it down.

"Zoorool?" said Old Red.

"Zoorool?" I answered. He seemed to brighten for a moment but when he realised I was just mimicking him the enthusiasm faded from his eyes.

"Zoorool? Zoorool? Do you understand?"

Chapter Seven

Five; Leprechauns?

2005-01-05T17:23:00.000+10:00

"A leprechaun?" I asked myself, "Was that a leprechaun? Or a hobbit? It kinda looked like Mr Watson my year ten physics teacher." I scratched my head and called, "Mr Watson?

"And where the hell am I anyway?" I turned around to take in my surroundings. The paper screen was behind me, but there was no sign of the tear where I had fallen through it, and it was clear I was no longer in the storeroom, but where was I?

It looked to be some sort of a cave, with one side blocked off by the paper screen. The cave got narrower at the far end, and eventually became a thin tunnel that twisted away from me so I couldn't see where it went. The walls were wet and cold, when I touched them they seemed to be covered in a thin layer of ice. Behind the ice the cave walls were red, and gave off a dull red light.

I turned back to the paper screen. I had fallen through it. It was impossible that it was undamaged, I'd heard it tear. I ran a finger over the surface.

I didn't know what was happening to me, but all I wanted to do was get out of this place, where ever this pace was, get my shopping done and lock myself in my apartment where I could go quietly insane.

I poked the paper with my finger expecting to punch a hole in it. I yelled out in pain, I felt like I'd jammed my finger against a stone wall.

"Damn," I had started the day feeling fairly fit, well except for the stiff back and the crook neck from sleeping on the floor, but it didn't seem like I was going to make it through the day without damaging every appendage I possessed.

Thinking that I'd learnt my lesson I took my keys out of my pocket and jabbed the mailbox key at the paper screen. I didn't even make a scratch.

"I'm losing it," I said, truly believing I was.

I jabbed the key at the paper screen as hard as I could. The key snapped and I rapped my knuckles on the paper screen.

"Damn it!" I yelled, and then an incredibly loud siren started going off.

I turned around, the red cave walls were now flashing blue. I had to cover my ears the siren was so loud. I stood there a moment thinking, perhaps I didn't make it out the bedroom window when those goons came looking for their money, perhaps I slipped and landed on my head. Maybe this was Hell, and I was paying for my sins.

I was just about to check my pulse and see if I really was dead when a gang of miniature soldiers filed into the cave wielding long staffs with gleaming hooked blades on the end.

Chapter Six

Four; Crossing Over

2005-01-04T20:59:00.000+10:00

I knew I had heard something.

I hadn't imagined the thin reedy voice calling out for help.

I stepped inside, the brief flash of the dead light bulb had shown me the rough shape of things inside. I stepped around a table with chairs stacked on it, and called, "Hello, are you there?"

There was no reply, so I pressed on, working my way uncertainly towards the back of the storeroom where the sound had come from. I tripped on something, some long forgotten piece of crap, and went over on my ankle. Of course the next thing I did was jump up and down on my other foot and reach for my sore ankle, but all I succeeded in doing was banging a knee and an elbow.

I swore loudly, but gritted my teeth. I still hadn't seen who needed my help.

"Are you there?" I called again, my tone conveying my frustration.

Nothing.

I resolved to get to the back of the room, check it out, if there was nothing there I would leave and assume I was going crazy. First of all dreaming about doors I couldn't know existed, and then hearing people who didn't exist calling for help.

I navigated my way between a drum kit and a paper screen that stretched from floor to ceiling. I stubbed a toe on something else, and this time when I swore I heard somebody laughing. I turned around quickly to see who it was, but as I did so I tripped on something else and felt myself failing towards the paper screen. I reached out to catch myself, but only succeeded in banging the fingers on my right hand which made me swear again.

I heard the paper screen tear as I fell through it. I braced myself expecting to be impaled on whatever crap was on the other side of the screen, but I fell all the way to the ground, banging my uninjured elbow.

"Damn, Spaz!" I cursed myself, in my anger calling myself by the playground nickname that had plagued me for my entire schooling career, and that I still occasionally used to berate myself. Usually when I lost a stupid bet.

"Damn, Spaz!" somebody mimicked.

I got to my feet and looked around.

I wasn't in the storeroom anymore, but I didn't realise this immediately. Instead, my attention was taken up by a short man wearing a green shirt and leggings. I blinked a couple of times and shook my head. I didn't remember hitting my head when I fell, but that was my first assumption.

What I was seeing couldn't be. The man, if indeed it was a man, was less than half my height, and at five nine a giant I am not. As well as wearing the green shirt and leggings he was wearing a green felt cap with a feather stuck in it. He had a red beard he wore in two long plats.

He pointed at me and laughed, then in that wounded kitten voice that had first drawn me into the storeroom said, "Help," and turned and ran away.

Chapter Five

Three; An Open Door

2005-01-03T16:46:00.000+10:00

The door was open.

After the night I had just had, I should have known to turn my back, go to the shops, get my groceries, buy a six pack and go back to my nice, empty apartment. But of course that isn’t what I did.

I reached out to push the door open even further. Looking back I know it was stupid. If for no other reason than if the complex manager caught me and thought I was trying to steal something, I'd almost have to be looking at an entry in the record books for fastest eviction ever.

The door swung open easily. It was dark inside, the usual crap had been piled up and abandoned. Tables and chairs, old TV sets, dusty boxes, a life size cardboard cut-out skeleton left over from Halloween that scared the clinks out of me when I first saw it.

With my heart racing, and my scare meter maxed out, good sense finally prevailed. I decided it was time to quit. So what if I'd dreamt of a door in the garage that I'd never seen before, who cares? People dream about all sorts of crazy things. My friend Stevo reckons when you dream about poo it means you're going to win money. I don’t know if that's true, but then I've never dreamt about poo.

It was just a door to a storeroom full of crap. I reached out to close the door. It squeaked loudly. That hadn't happened when I opened it, but there was nothing strange about that. The problem was I thought I heard something else while the door was squeaking.

I looked around expecting to somebody in the garage behind me, but there was nobody there. Half a dozen four wheel drives, all immaculately clean, empty parking spots, a scooter and a couple of rusty gym sets and an ab-roller that had been dumped at the end of the tenants allotted spaces.

"Help."

I heard it quite clearly this time. The voice sounded weak, it could have come from a crying kitten.

"Help."

It was coming from inside the storeroom. I pushed the door open again and felt around on the inside next to the doorframe for a light switch. I found it and flicked the switch. The light came on, but only for a second, it flashed, blinded me and then popped, plunging me into darkness.

"Hello," I called in to the darkness.

There was no answer. But I had heard something.

Chapter Four

Two; Weird Dreams

2005-01-02T17:29:00.000+10:00

There is a chance I might be losing my mind.

I had a dream last night.

It was of those dreams that leaves you feeling uncomfortable when you wake up. I'm sure you've had them, you see something that isn't quite right, but of course you can't pin point why it isn't quite right.

It might be an everyday object, something you've seen a thousand times before, but for some reason in your dream it just doesn't feel right. And when you get up, you can't stop thinking about it.

I dreamt of a door.

It wasn't my door. Neither the one to my old unit or my new apartment. There was nothing unusual about it, it was just a door standing slightly ajar, it had three metal numbers stuck it, though I couldn’t remember what the numbers were, some of the paint was peeling off, there was a metal door handle and a keyhole.

At first I thought it was just my mind playing games with me. The excitement of the last few days combined with the usual problem of getting to sleep in a new place. I woke up about a dozen times with the image of this damn door in my head, and when I finally got up this morning, with a stiff back and a crook neck, I couldn't shake the door from my mind.

Once I was up I looked at my pitiful surrounds and decided to go out and get some supplies. A few essentials, bread, milk, a frying pan, the racing guide, that sort of thing.

I left the apartment. I'm living in a complex so there are dozens of other people around, and I could hear some of them talking at the bottom of the stairs to the main entrance. I wasn't feeling particularly sociable, so rather than face them and go through the whole 'welcome neighbour' routine I snuck down the back stairs to the underground garage.

I was planning to go through the garage, up the ramp and over the road to the shops. Everything was going well too, I'd avoided the new neighbours, I was starting to feel a little bit more relaxed in my new surroundings, and I'd just about shaken that damn dream from my mind when I saw it.

The door. The one from my dream.

In the corner of the communal garage in an area I had no business even looking at. It was standing slightly open, just as it had in the dream, there were three metal numbers stuck to it. Four, two, seven.

I told myself I must have seen it when they showed me around the place before I moved in, and for a moment I believed the lie. I even laughed at the damn thing, happy to have solved the dream mystery. I was almost out of the garage when I realised I had never been down to the garage before. There was no way I could have seen that door and then dreamt about it.

Chapter Three

One; Somewhere Quiet In The Suburbs

2005-01-01T16:02:00.000+10:00

There is something about the term Sparrow's Fart that has always appealed to me.

Certainly having the last name Sparrow would have something to do with it, and no doubt being an Australian who enjoys vulgarity as much as the next bloke would play a part too.

For those of you that don't know, sparrow's fart, means early, as in 'up at sparrow's fart'.

So when I decided to keep a blog it seemed like the perfect title. Hopefully it doesn't tell you anything too detrimental about my opinion of blogs.

I've just moved into a new apartment. It's a nice enough place, two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a good sized living room, decent kitchen, air-con, a sea-view, and most important of all, it's miles away from my old place, and nobody knows me here.

It didn't take me long to move in, on account of how I don't have any belongings. Well except the laptop, and a bag with the clothes I managed to stuff into it before climbing down the drainpipe from the second storey unit that until two days ago had been my home.

Fleeing for your life is an exhilarating experience let me tell you, though it does tend to leave you feeling paranoid. Even now, sitting on the floor in my empty apartment tapping away at the keyboard to stop myself from climbing the walls, I'm imagining them coming up the stairs to my front door, perhaps even looking though the spyglass at me, and preparing to kick down my new door, just as they kicked down my old door.

I know why they came for me.

Have you ever heard anybody say Australians will bet on anything, even two flies crawling across a table top.

You've haven't? Well you should get out more.

Anyway, I'm that Australian, I just can't help myself. And it's not even about the money, it's exciting, it's sexy, it's dangerous, there's nothing quite like it in the world.

Imagine putting everything you've got, your latest paycheque, next weeks rent, all of it on a horse, or better yet the toss of a coin, and watching, waiting, to see what happens next, knowing in the next few seconds you're either going to be jumping for joy or crying in your beer.

It is those few seconds that count, the adrenaline, the rush of it, it makes you feel more alive than at any other time in your life.

It is so exciting in fact, such a rush, that I have bet everything I ever owned, and more, and lost the lot. That's why I'm here, hiding from the people I owe money too, calling myself a stupid bastard and knowing I'll probably do it all again, and again, until one day, it finally gets me killed.

But then, knowing that is the biggest rush of all, waiting to see when that particular coin will hit the curb, and whether it'll show heads or tails.

Chapter Two

Contents Page

2005-01-01T15:55:00.000+10:00

Chapter One; Somewhere Quiet In The Suburbs
Chapter Two; Weird Dreams
Chapter Three; An Open Door
Chapter Four; Crossing Over
Chapter Five; Leprechauns
Chapter Six; The Short Arm Of The Local Constabulary
Chapter Seven; Wine Gums Make It All Clear
Chapter Eight; A Trip To The Cells
Chapter Nine; Bocco The Big Blue Bear
Chapter Ten; Special Agent Bocco
Chapter Eleven; Mischief Makers
Chapter Tweleve; Zain's Plan
Chapter Thirteen; Zugar-Zipperat's Newest Celebrity Couple
Chapter Fourteen; Love Nest
Chapter Fifteen; Extra Anchovies
Chapter Sixteen; Ziggy Pays A Visit
Chapter Seventeen; The Note
Chapter Eighteen; The Sting
Chapter Nineteen; Mobile Phone Coverage
Chapter Twenty; Descent Into Ridicule
Chapter Twenty One; Teamwork
Chapter Twenty Two; Self Decapitation
Chapter Twenty Three; Bocco The Babe
Chapter Twenty Four; Freedom Fighters inc
Chapter Twenty Five; Test Eagle
Chapter Twenty Six; Getting Old
Chapter Twenty Seven; Random Decisions
Chapter Twenty Eight; The Known Universe's Finest Bourbon
Chapter Twenty Nine; And Just Who The Hell Are You?
Chapter Thirty; Jimmy Holmes
Chapter Thirty One; Jimmy Takes Control
Chapter Thirty Two; Kira

About This Blog

2005-01-01T15:49:00.000+10:00

Well first of all, I should probably introduce myself.

I'm an unknown writer from Australia. I'm mainly interested in Fantasy and Sci-fi, and like many wannabe fantasy writers I have a fantasy series in the making – I'm currently editing the first draft of book one – and hope to one day rule the world with the written word.

Sparrow's Fart is a Blog novel (if anybody knows of a better way to put it, please let me know). I intend to update it every couple of days, perhaps more. I have no idea where the story is going, though I do know I only intend to write around 500 words a day, so the chapters are going to be short, real short.

One of the things that appeals to me about writing an online novel in this way, is the sense of immediacy. As any novelist can tell you, under normal circumstances you've got plenty of time to get it right. You spend months, even years, working on a piece in the hope that when it's finished you've dotted all the T's and crossed all the I's.

Ah, you know what I mean.

With a blog novel, that's not the case. You kinda need to get it right the first time, and that's the challenge, at least, for me.

Anyway, that's enough chit-chat, let's get on with the show.

Oh, and by the way, my real name isn't Jimmy Sparrow, but it'll do for now.

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