Fifteen; Extra Anchovies

Ziggy didn't show up in person that day, but his presence was felt, mostly by me.

Bocco and I continued to open presents all day, though I was the only one to be stung by Ziggy's practical jokes. I have no idea how Bocco managed it, but we would take a box each from the hundreds that had been delivered, Bocco would open his to find a picture frame or set of scented candles, and I would either get sprayed, have a spring loaded custard pie thrown in my face or have to deal with a noxious smell.

Christmas will never be the same again.

In addition to the presents we also had a few visitors, the usual school boy pranks. The armed forces recruiting officers turned up in answer to my application, and even when I insisted I wasn't interested they continued to tell me they were an equal opportunities employer and to ignore any of those stories I had heard about the good old days. Eventually we got rid of them.

Then came the police who'd heard reports of domestic violence. I was incredulous that they didn't know who we were, but Bocco explained succinctly, "Hush hush." Anyway after about fifteen minutes of the officers making snide remarks and throwing threatening glances my way, they finally left, though not before telling Bocco that there was lot of support for people in his situation, and that it wasn't his fault, and if anything, anything, were to happen, he should give them a call.

Next came a troop of leprechaun exotic dancers – who were all either studying law or sociology and just stripped in their spare time to pay their college fees - who had been hired for a non-existent bachelor party, and although I was intrigued I sent them away, though if it hadn't been for the beards I might have let them stay.

A mail order bride turned up, the fire service, a masseur, a couple of call girls, three Japanese exchange students who couldn't speak English or Zugar-Zipperat. I finally thought we'd had a break when a party sub arrived, I said I'd eat it, but then I realised the bastard had ordered anchovies.

Exhausted I finally called it a day and turned in. The only good thing about this delusion was the bed, it was like a football pitch, it was huge, I fell onto it and slept.

I was dreaming about Penny the dog I'd had as a kid when I woke up and realised the bristles I could feel tickling my cheek were Bocco's, not Penny's. Thinking he was taking our disguise a little too far I got up and wandered out into the living room cave.

Chapter Sixteen