Sunday, January 23, 2005

Twenty Three; Bocco The Babe

I once worked as one of those guys in a panda suit, you see standing outside crummy suburban stores with small marketing budgets. I worked four hour shifts waving at passing traffic and putting up with the local teenagers taunts. When that suit came off at the end of the shift I reeked. My hair was plastered to my head, and my clothes soaked through with sweat, it was disgusting.

Yet this woman, this vision wearing a skimpy black bikini looked like she had just finished a glamour shoot. Her hair was perfect, and her tight toned skin, glistening with sweat. The curve of her, ahem.

I drew my eyes away.

No, you don’t believe that any more than I do.

I gawked at her as she bundled up the bear suit and carried it over to the cavern where the other humans were gathered. “Close your mouth Jimmy,” she said, “You’re gawking.”

“Did you get the info?” one of the men asked.

“I missed you too, Tex.” She smiled sweetly, “It’s all on the onboard computer. I got the lot.”

Another man asked, “I’ll bet those remote cameras got him didn’t they?”

“Sure did Wrench.”

Tex? Wrench? Kira? I thought to myself.
Who named these people?

“How’d you know where to find us?” Wrench asked, “This isn’t the pickup point. When the lights went out and I couldn’t get you on comms, I thought we might have to come in and extract you.”

Kira said, “I found your sign.”

“How’d you know which way to come?” Wrench insisted.

“I asked Jimmy,” she smiled and nodded my way.

“How’d he know?”

“He didn’t, he’s the unluckiest man I’ve ever met, I picked the opposite to what he said.”

“Excuse me,” I said feeling like a complete idiot, “Could somebody tell me what the hell is going on here?”

“Who is he?” the one called Tex asked .

“The bait,” Bocco, no Kira, answered.

“Bait?” the other woman joined them and sat next to the fire, then before Kira answered said, “You didn’t tell him,” and laughed.

“I didn't tell him,” Kira laughed too.

“Hello,” I said in my most petulant voice, “Could somebody tell me now?”

“Sure, Jimmy,” Kira finished stowing the bear suit in a side locker on their space ship and walked over to me. I tried to keep my eyes locked on her face, but it wasn’t easy. “I’m a contractor, we’re contractors,” she indicated her companions.


“Yes,” she smiled that dazzling smile again and it occurred to me I had spent the night sleeping next to this woman without ever knowing it.

"Life's so unfair," I said before realising it.

Kira looked at me for an instant then continued, "We were contracted by the Zugar-Zipperat government...”

“Zain?” I interrupted, and one of the men actually sniggered.

“No, the people Zain worked for,” she replied.

“Worked for? Don’t you mean...”

“No,” this time Kira interrupted me, “I mean worked for, as in past tense. We were contracted by the Zugar-Zipperat government to keep an eye on him and see if he was working with Ziggy.”

“Ziggy?” now I laughed, “He hates Ziggy. He was trying to catch Ziggy!” I explained as though she hadn’t been there.

“I’ve got proof for the Zugar-Zipperat government that he was working with him, and that together they stole the fire crystals.”

“Huh?” I was feeling like more and more of an idiot, which made sense because that’s how I usually feel in the presence of beautiful women.

“The whole practical joke thing was just a distraction.”

“Dragging me into their horrid little caves was just a distraction?” I was outraged.


I thought about this and then asked, “How do I get home?”

Kira had the decency to look abashed before saying, “You don’t.”


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