Fifteen; Extra Anchovies

Ziggy didn't show up in person that day, but his presence was felt, mostly by me.

Bocco and I continued to open presents all day, though I was the only one to be stung by Ziggy's practical jokes. I have no idea how Bocco managed it, but we would take a box each from the hundreds that had been delivered, Bocco would open his to find a picture frame or set of scented candles, and I would either get sprayed, have a spring loaded custard pie thrown in my face or have to deal with a noxious smell.

Christmas will never be the same again.

In addition to the presents we also had a few visitors, the usual school boy pranks. The armed forces recruiting officers turned up in answer to my application, and even when I insisted I wasn't interested they continued to tell me they were an equal opportunities employer and to ignore any of those stories I had heard about the good old days. Eventually we got rid of them.

Then came the police who'd heard reports of domestic violence. I was incredulous that they didn't know who we were, but Bocco explained succinctly, "Hush hush." Anyway after about fifteen minutes of the officers making snide remarks and throwing threatening glances my way, they finally left, though not before telling Bocco that there was lot of support for people in his situation, and that it wasn't his fault, and if anything, anything, were to happen, he should give them a call.

Next came a troop of leprechaun exotic dancers – who were all either studying law or sociology and just stripped in their spare time to pay their college fees - who had been hired for a non-existent bachelor party, and although I was intrigued I sent them away, though if it hadn't been for the beards I might have let them stay.

A mail order bride turned up, the fire service, a masseur, a couple of call girls, three Japanese exchange students who couldn't speak English or Zugar-Zipperat. I finally thought we'd had a break when a party sub arrived, I said I'd eat it, but then I realised the bastard had ordered anchovies.

Exhausted I finally called it a day and turned in. The only good thing about this delusion was the bed, it was like a football pitch, it was huge, I fell onto it and slept.

I was dreaming about Penny the dog I'd had as a kid when I woke up and realised the bristles I could feel tickling my cheek were Bocco's, not Penny's. Thinking he was taking our disguise a little too far I got up and wandered out into the living room cave.

Chapter Sixteen

Fourteen; Love Nest

I spent that first night at the police station cave.

Surprisingly I slept without any trouble at all. There was a chamber with lots of little beds, it was probably some sort of bunkhouse, I pushed them altogether and slept like a baby. That is to say, soundly, not that I woke up screaming for food or a nappy change every two hours.

The next morning Zain informed me they had found a suitable home for me and Bocco. A small cavern near the police station. We were whisked around there and left to sort the place out. Zain left two of his men guarding the cavern entrance, not because of Ziggy, but the looky-loos he expected would turn up to check out the alien.

I looked around our new abode, and, well, it was a cave. There's not a lot of great things I can say about a cave, it had a flat floor, perfectly flat which struck me as a little odd, but then I figured if I was actually going bonkers and had created this whole scenario, then of course I would make all the caves and caverns have flat floors. After all, there was no point making my slide into insanity any more difficult than it needed to be.

Just like the Flintstones our cave was bereft of a bathroom. I thought about asking Bocco where I was supposed to relieve myself, but it wasn't a problem just yet so I decided to wait until absolutely necessary, perhaps I'd wake up in the loony bin before it became an issue.

The morning paper turned up after we'd been there for about an hour. There was a big picture of me and Bocco framed by a love heart on the front page, I couldn't read the headline, and didn't ask, I could imagine what it said.

It was about an hour later that the first of the gifts started turning up. Bocco assured me that this was perfectly normal, the people of Zugar-Zipperat were a very welcoming sort who often liked to give welcome gifts to new neighbours.

I thought back to the welcome I had received the day before when I first appeared in Zugar-Zipperat, and tried to remember how long it was since I'd had a tetanus shot, and if those halberds had been clean.

Bocco also informed me that we would have to open every present to search for clues that would lead us to Ziggy. He said Ziggy was bound to send some practical joke gifts, and so we started to open the presents.

The very first box I opened proved him right, as soon as I lifted the lid I was squirted with water. Bocco carefully replaced the lid and put the box aside to be examined as evidence later. Then he handed me another box.

I opened the box, a cloud of flour exploded in my face, and because I was still wet from the last box, it stuck to me.

It was going to be a long day.

Chapter Fifteen

Thirteen; Zugar-Zipperat's Newest Celebrity Couple

The announcement was made.

I was staying.

We got full media coverage, the leprechaun press - or should I say the Zugar-Zipperat press, as nobody had either confirmed or denied the people of Zugar-Zipperat were in fact leprechauns – were extremely eager to feature my story in their respective publications.

Zain had a couple of his people make phone calls to various news and entertainment outlets. He instructed them to make the calls as though they were leaking information.

The first call came through almost straight away.

Apparently I was big news. An alien, as they called me, hadn't crossed over for two decades.

Zain took the call, and while he spoke I pondered the probability of a society developing the telephone before firearms. When I had been arrested the soldiers had been armed with halberds, I was almost certain firepower was developed before long distance communication devices on earth, but had no way of being sure as I had spent most of my school history lessons trying to steel a peek at Mrs Lewisham's long legs as she scribbled on the blackboard. It occurred to me that a nation of practical jokers would find the telephone extremely useful, but then surely gunpowder was good for pranks too.

I didn't have long to ponder the matter as within seconds Zain held the phone out to me, "They'd like to talk to you."

"Okay," I shrugged and took the phone expecting the reporter to ask me questions about life on earth. "Hello," I said into the receiver.

"Jimmy, Jimmy Sparrow?" a high pitched female voice asked.

"Yes."

"Hi, this is Zoot magazine, I'd like to ask you a few questions on behalf of our readers, if I may."

"Certainly," I replied.

"Where did you and Bocco first meet?"

I paused for a second not entirely sure if I had heard correctly.

"Jimmy?"

"Erm, in a cell," I answered.

"And was it love at first sight?"

A little bemused but understanding the need to play along I answered, "Yeah, sure."

"What first attracted you to Bocco?" the female reporter continued.

I looked at Zain for help, but he couldn't hear the questions and so was of no use, "His blue coat."

"Is there a Mrs Sparrow back on, er, where ever it is you came from?"

"Who is this?" I asked.

Zain snatched the phone from me and quickly said, "I'm sorry but Mr Sparrow is very busy today, and I'm afraid we've already taken up too much of his time, good day," he place the phone back on the cradle.

"What the..." I didn't get to finish my question as Zain interrupted, "News is entertainment these days, reporters are always looking for the emotional angle. It isn't enough just to report the news, they have to make their readers feel for the people they are writing about."

"Okay," I said.

The calls kept coming all that afternoon, I did phone interview after phone interview. Every reporter I spoke to was only interested in Bocco and I, not a single one of them asked me a question about where I was from, or how I expected to adapt to life in Zugar-Zipperat.

After about a hundred calls boredom was really starting to get to me and so I made a reference to one of the reporters about Bocco's big blue balls. Zain snatched the phone from me and refused to take any more calls.

Chapter Fourteen

Twelve; Zain's Plan

There was something about Zain's smile that made me uncomfortable, "What do you mean an opportunity?"

"I have a plan," said Zain. "We make a public announcement that you've been pulled into our dimension, and can't get back, and so have decided to make a home for yourself here in Zugar-Zipperat."

"I'm with you so far."

"We find a cave that's easy for us to monitor, you and Bocco move in, and we wait for the inevitable pranks to start."

I thought about this for a moment, but didn't say anything.

"You'll make the perfect target for Ziggy," explained Zain, "I guess that's why he brought you through."

I still didn't say anything for a moment, then asked, "Me and Bocco?"

"Yes," Zain nodded.

"Won't Ziggy recognise Bocco?" I asked, "He kinda stands out you know."

"Not at all, Bocco has just been transferred here from Zippit-Zilch province."

"Why do I need Bocco to move in with me?" I asked.

"To help catch Ziggy," said Zain as though it were perfectly obvious.

"Well won't it seem a bit strange?" I persisted.

"What?"

I walked across the cell, Zain followed me, I couldn't be certain Bocco wouldn't hear me, but I couldn't move any further away because of the cell bars. "Me and Bocco, living together. A human and a bear."

Zain continued to look blankly at me, then his expression changed to one of disgust, "So you're opposed to alternative lifestyles?"

"No, not at all," I said defensively. "It's just that, well he's a bit different isn't he?" I nodded my head in Bocco's direction hoping Zain would understand.

"Oh I see," he said raising his voice, "So not only are you homophobic, you're also xenophobic! You're probably a heightist as well!"

I saw Bocco look our way and made gestures for Zain to lower his voice. "No, I just thought it might seem a little odd."

"Only to you," Zain raised a finger at me, his voice got squeakier the angrier he got. "Civilised people respect each other's choices, and accept their peers for who they are on the inside. Maybe where you come from this sort of behaviour is acceptable, but here in Zugar-Zipperat we have laws against that sort of prejudice."

"I didn't mean that," I couldn’t believe I was being berated by a leprechaun who thought I was being all kinds of phobic because I had reservations about moving in with a seven foot talking blue bear.

"Well what did you mean?" Zain squeaked at me.

I struggled to find the right words, but couldn't so I settled for, "Great plan."

Chapter Thirteen

Eleven; Mischief Makers

"Yes, a joke," Zain Zorinski shuffled his feet and looked nervous. Bocco went and sat back down on the bench and continued staring silently into space. "It's not something we like to talk about very often. You see we haven't always been the highly sophisticated people you see before you."

I looked at the leprechaun and the giant blue bear, and then at the cave cell we were in and decided not to say anything.

"Once, long ago, our people lived in chaos. We were pranksters of the worst kind, we caused all sorts of misery and discontent in the world." Zain's brow knitted as he continued, "And not just in Zugar-Zipperat, we were every where, causing mayhem. We loved it, the bigger the prank, the more inconvenient the inconvenience the greater our delight. It's what we lived for, even as it was destroying us."

"What happened," I asked, interested despite myself.

"We were on the brink of extinction, we'd practical joked ourselves into oblivion and were almost at the point of no return."

"Practical joked yourself into oblivion?" I couldn't keep the scepticism from my voice.

"Oh yes," said Zain. "A society can't survive like that. People were too busy playing practical jokes on each other to think about the important things in life. People didn't go to work, most of them didn’t even have jobs. Nobody paid their taxes, nothing got done, it was utter chaos."

"I see," I said.

Zain looked at me for a moment before continuing, clearly doubting that I understood, "A great leader emerged in that time of chaos, Zipper Zoos, who taught us to tame our inner beast. He showed us the way to enlightenment, and taught us that we only hurt ourselves with our childish practical jokes."

"Zipper Zoos?"

Zain ignored me, "Now only the very young play practical jokes. By taming our inner demons we have achieved many things, built a vast civilisation..."

"Let me guess," I said, "The problem is, not all of you folk are enlightened, and I'm on the brunt end of one of these practical jokers practical jokes?"

"Yes," Zain seemed relieved he wouldn't have to explain that, "Ziggy Zorinski, was released from rehab a month ago, we thought he was doing well, he seemed to be..."

"Zorinski," I asked, "isn't that your name?"

"Yes, Ziggy is my brother."

I nodded, "Well here's an idea, how about you send Ziggy to bed with no supper, and send me home?"

"That won't be possible," said Zain, "I'm afraid you're stuck here."

"Stuck here?" I was suddenly feeling very light headed.

"Yes," Zain nodded seriously, "At least until we can catch Ziggy, he's the only one that can send you home."

"You're joking?" I asked.

Zain looked sternly at me then said, "No, I would never do that."

"Oh, yeah, right," I said, "enlightenment."

"Catch Ziggy," rumbled Bocco from his spot on the bench.

"How do we do that?" I asked.

Zain smiled, "You're going to provide him with an opportunity he won't be able to resist."

Chapter Twelve

Ten; Special Agent Bocco

With Bocco towering over me, I spilled my guts.

I have no idea why I told him the things I told him. He didn’t ask and I had no reason to assume he cared, but faced with a seven foot talking blue bear I couldn't think of anything else to do.

"I heard somebody calling for help from a storeroom. I wouldn’t even have been anywhere near the storeroom, except I had a dream about the door the night before. Which was really strange, because I had never even see the door before," I took a deep breath, "and I went inside because somebody had called for help, and I wanted to help them, but also because I thought I was going mad and wanted to check. I got inside and heard somebody laughing at me, and then I fell over and suddenly I was inside a cave, and a leprechaun was laughing at me, and then the leprechaun ran away, and then..."

"Silence," said Bocco.

"And, and," I couldn't seem to stop talking.

"Silence," Bocco's voice rose to a rumble.

He ambled over to the bars of our cell and boomed, "Done."

I sat on the bench panting. I was definitely losing my mind.

Bocco stood at the bars for a moment longer, then Old Red returned and unlocked the cell. He stepped inside and addressed Bocco, "Well."

"Ziggy," said Bocco, and for a moment I thought the wine gum magic had worn off. I was on the verge of becoming a gibbering wreck when Old Red said, "I thought so. Ziggy is up to his old tricks again. Well done Bocco." The top of Old Red's head only reached Bocco's knee. It was quite an odd sight, seeing the tiny leprechaun praise the giant bear.

"What is going on here," I eventually managed to articulate the appropriate words.

"Ah, Jimmy," Old Red walked over to me, and Bocco ambled along behind him, "this is special agent Bocco."

"Special agent?" I looked up at the big blue bear.

"Yes, he's one of our interrogation experts."

"Interrogation expert?" that didn't seem right, "but he hardly says anything."

"Well, that's just part of his technique," Old Red explained. "Anyway, I must apologise for any discomfort we may have caused you, but we find Bocco tends to get the answers we need quickly."

"Hang on a minute," I said, "he told me he just appeared here too."

"Yes, that's another technique of his," said Old Red. "Now, down to business. My name is Zain Zorinski, I'm..."

"You people use a lot of Z's, don't you?"

"What? Don’t be ridiculous," snapped Old Red, who I was now going to have to get used to calling Zain Zorinski. "I'm in charge of homeland security, and it would appear you have been the victim of a practical joke."

"A joke?"

Chapter Eleven

Nine; Bocco The Big Blue Bear

Old Red unlocked the door and I was pushed inside. I wasn't sure what scared me most, being stabbed to death by angry leprechauns or the giant blue bear they were trying to lock me up with.

Eventually they got me inside. It didn't take long really, one quick sharp lunge and I was pretty much inside. I heard them lock the door, but I just stood there staring at the bear, and it just sat quietly staring into space.

I'm not sure how much time passed before I moved, but when I did it was very slowly. I still wasn't sure if the bear had actually seen me, perhaps it had been tranquilised. Anyway, I eventually made my way over to the opposite end of the bench and sat down.

The bear turned his eyes on me.

I froze.

It looked at me for long seconds then simply turned away to stare into space again.

It almost had to be tranqed.

Silence.

I sat there for a while, wondering if any of this was actually happening, or if I was just losing my mind, but eventually I tired of trying to figure it out so I spoke to the bear.

"What are you in for?" I've seen far too many movies where people speak like this.

The bear slowly turned its massive blue head towards me, it stared at me for a moment and it occurred to me that perhaps this bear couldn't speak, but then it said, "Dunno."

"Dunno," I repeated dumbly. "Me either."

I waited a moment to see if the bear would say anything else, but it didn't.

"I don’t even know where I am. I just appeared here."

"Me too," said the bear.

Encourage I continued, "Where is here anyway?"

"Dunno."

"Have they told you anything?"

"No."

"You don't say much do you?" I asked the bear and then realised a second too late that I might offend it.

It looked at me again, "No."

"No, well," I continued quickly, "My name is Jimmy Sparrow."

"Bocco," said the bear.

"Bocco," I nodded, "Nice to meet you Bocco."

Bocco didn’t say anything.

"So, where are you from Bocco?"

"Somewhere else."

I was beginning to detect a little reluctance on the part of Bocco the bear to enter into conversation, but if I'm honest, when I get nervous I like to talk, and I was very nervous.

"Are you here for the crystals?"

I was so surprise to hear Bocco speak in a sentence comprised of more than two words it took me a full minute to answer. "The crystals?"

Bocco stared at me. "The fire crystals?"

I shook my head, "No, but there's bound to be a pot of gold around here somewhere, what with all these leprechauns."

Bocco continued to stare at me.

Getting nervous I asked, "Are you here for the crystals?"

"No," said Bocco. He got up from his bench and ambled towards me.

Suddenly I was very scared.

Chapter Ten